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Monday, December 15, 2008

X Factor

I'm glad Eggnog Samwise Gamgee didn't win The X Factor. I mean, it's really sweet of them to put a Downs kid in the contest and all for sympathy, but really. It was bad enough when we all went 'Aww, look at the fat chick!' when Michelle McManus was up for a vote a few years back and voted out of National Pride to show that We Like People To Be Given A Fair Chance, and then completely ignore them when they have a single out.

This was my first X Factor final, after finally being converted by Ryan and his busty friend Ness a few weekends ago. I loved Diana Vickers and that you couldn't tell what she was singing, and that Cheryl Cole never actually says anything negative. Or positive. Or useful, come to think. She skirts around any possible judgment with an attempt to flick her immovable hair out of her eyes while saying things like "Ah, pet, you've come along way" and "You put a lot of energy into yer performance, love", which clearly I adore. I think she believes that if she says one negative thing, the whole viewing public will turn around to her and tell her to FUCK OFF, and she's probably right. And thus was born the Cheryl Cole Drinking Game - which I'd like to point out is NOT having a few Baccardi Breezers and laying into some toilet attendant, uh allegedly - but every time she says anything that can be replaced with a klaxxon, a bugle horn or the noise of birdsong with no repercussions to the final outcome, drink two fingers worth of your spirit of choice. You will be utterly wasted by the time JLS come out and step off their stools for the key-change.

Louis I just find creepy. He kept saying "I can't believe you're only sixteen!" when Eggnog came on. But the look in his eyes... well, lets say we were replacing 'sixteen' with 'legal' in Casa Glitter.

I liked the winner, though. Alexandra. The human body is made up of... what, 60%, 90% water? I'd do some research, but that'd mean I take this sort of thing seriously and frankly my Ginster's pasty is getting cold. Anyway, whatever it is, she was clearly on emergency levels come the second performance, as she'd sobbed so much it had washed all the considerable volume of make-up off to such an extent that irrelevant pop pixie Dannii Minogue had to cling to a stray Polo mint lest she drown in a wave of Rimmel. And when Beyonce came on in a surprise move, she was clearly all 'Bitch, don't weep on my weave' during their duet. I don't know what Beyonce had come as, but I think it was a sparkly t-shirt over a wet-suit. Maybe she was going to a foam party later on. Celebs, they get all the fun. Or maybe she'd seen Alexandra's previous performances and wanted to batter down the hatches as she tried to sing 'Hallelujah' while leaking more than a Victorian water main. You can imagine the mess when she actually won: I'm glad her microphone was clearly waterproof. Imagine if she'd electrocuted herself! Is The X Factor like Miss World? If you can't do your duties does it pass to dullard quartet JLS to turn on the Debenhams Christmas lights next year before slipping into obscurity?

Either way, Alexandra, I'm glad you're taking the crown. Even while you cried and cried and cried as the results were read out. And then kept mouthing "I love you" to her mentor, Cheryl. Which Cheryl kept mouthing back. Aww, what a lovely couple they'd make - Cheryl would say things like "Well pet, that was a performance" and Alexandra would definitely have to sleep in the wet patch. It's true love, I tells ya.

1 comment:

Jams said...

I guess Beyonce was supposed to be a surprise, except that the first time they went live to Kym Marsh in 'North London' with a load of Alexandra supporters the dozy bint said, "We can't wait for the other songs - especially the one with Beyonce."

You could almost hear the sound of eyes rolling coming from the gallery.