Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Most Disappointing... Celebrity!

And the winner for Most Disappointing Celebrity is...

Tears envelope

...Jennifer Aniston!

Ooh, now I remember there was some consternation about this result when we did the judging, because is it disappointing if she has acted completely within her programming for the past ten years? I mean she's still banging on about being Brad Pitt's cock-wash back when she was relevant to swathes of thirty-something women living on Sainsbury's Own wine boxes.

And yet, here she is once again, promoting her new film, and guess what! She's only going on how 'uncool' the whole affair was. Honey, I've had two relationships in the time you've been wearing that black armband made out of Pitt's tie from 'Se7en', and I'm so completely over them. Lets move on a little here, shall we? Hm? You want to call me, Jenny girl? I tell you, I get more attached to my Muller Fruit Corners than most of my gentlemen callers - you want some tips, hm? You want to let go? Honestly, drop me a line. Because as it stands, I can see your pain in every interview. I mean, every article, she tries to be coy about it - and yet still brings it up. You can so read between the lines. Oh you can. Each night she's going back to her bedsit at night and licks and licks the worn cover of Pitt's 'Vanity Fair' while she makes that be-pinned Tomb Raider figure watch her antics. Then she microwaves some Lean Cuisine before going on SecondLife as her avatar 'JolieHater84' to go stand in cyberspace bars and just shout how much she hated 'Girl, Interrupted' and anyone who agrees should PM her.

And because she's still doing that is why she wins our mighty trophy. NEXT!


The Mutant said...

Wait for it, Jen's next step will be to model herself on Angelina. Of course with a set of life-raft lips she'll only manage to look like Janice from the Muppet Show, but you never know it might work for Brad.

I've also got some malnourished African orphans going cheap if it helps her cause at all, I could cut her a deal. Anything to stop her from bitching and moaning.

Amy said...

It seems more like it's the gossip magazines and whatnot that are keeping the Brad and Angelina "scandal" alive. Poor Jennifer is stuck in the middle, no matter what she does or says (or not) it's compared to them. I'd be willing to bet money she wishes everyone would just drop the whole thing and let it die. I know I'm so bored of seeing it everywhere.

Also, sad ending is sad, stupid new movie.