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Friday, January 09, 2009

The Most Disappointing... Film!

Straightens bow tie, taps microphone.

Ooh, 'ello! And welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2007 Awards for the Disappointing! Here, we're going to celebrate all that caused a sigh, a tut or was just plain 'meh' over the last year! There will be no trophies, but if you want to make one yourself, Google a picture of Paris Hilton (make sure your Safe Search is on, boys and girls - you don't want to be looking at anything that resembles Kermit's mouth after he's been mixing Coke with Mentos, do we?) and glue it to a toilet roll. And there we have it.

The first category is the Indiana Jones In A Fridge Award for the year's most disappointing movie! There were a glut of contenders, and you all think that I'm going to award it to the 'The Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls' don't you? Well, you were almost right... Said film was terribly disappointing - if only to see Harrison Ford wheezing back and forth across the screen. If you go and watch any of the previous three Indianas, you'll see that La Ford was One Of The Most Beautiful Men Ever. Its not that he's aged badly... but in these films he now looks like the contents seconds box in the Gap linens section. You know: that special shade of brown and that special kind of crumpled, with some very special kinds of stains on them. I'd blame his wife, the darling Cluster Fucktart, if I were you.

Shall I open the envelope, folks?

Rustle, rustle, rustle

Well! The winner of the most Disappointing Film category is... oh, it's a late entry, ladies and gentlemen... it's 'The Day The Earth Stood Still'! Oh poor old Kanoe, he hasn't made a good film in years, has he? But it wasn't his monochromatic performance that swung the judge's votes, it was dear old Gort - the robot in the movie. He's a giant 27-foot tall monster of a thing who, when he appears, everyone in the audience must be thinking 'Oh wow! That is going to look so cool when it goes bad and starts smashing up buildings at the end of the film!'

Alas, Gort does not go smashing. He doesn't even rampage. He is the only thing in the film that Stands Still. The army encase him in a giant metal Toberlone until the finale when he turns into a swarm of robot flies and eats stadiums, in a move seemingly designed to stop Michael Crichton's 'Prey' ever reaching the screen.

How terribly disappointing! We would email Kanoe to notify him of his award, but he stopped any contact after I tried to kidnap him on a bus a few years back. Pfft. And all my friends agreed that the Sandra Bullock wig was flawless...

Next category, please..!

2 comments:

Kathleen Bradean said...

Like, Klaatu barada niktu, Dude.

Party on!

CyberPete said...

Whoa!

He must also be one of the worst actors of all time.