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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Most Disappointing... Record!

rattles envelope

Well, I can hear the desperation clattering about in this here envelope, so clearly it's time for the Most Disappointing Record of 2008! Which pop icons caused us to roll our eyes every time they come around on The Box? Was it Madonna, who had clawed it all back with her last album, only to piss it all up the wall with her ill-thought-out rap releases (and if anyone is under any doubt, Madonna probably does piss up walls while standing up simply by grabbing the beard and pointing). Yes, was it the album that actually decreases in interest with each play, and a cover that hurt the eyes for innumerable reasons? Or what about Girls Aloud, and their asinine crowd-pleaser of an album, chock full of middle-of-the-road pop?

No! We're awarding the Most Disappointing Record to this shambles: 'The Winner Takes It All', a duet by Kylie and Dannii Minogue!

Well, come on. If you'd have told us half-a-decade ago that Kylie Minogue, then riding high on her not being able to get you out of her head, would be covering an ABBA track with her perpetual has-been of a sister, with the full backing of the London Symphony Orchestra. Why, we would have exploded in a pure cloud of glitter, that's what! But listen if you can bear to. What could have been the crowning pinnacle of gay culture, basically sounds like two wasps in a biscuit tin. What a waste!

As a sidebar, we were hoping to present this award to someone in Dannii Minogue's staff, but clearly the woman herself is so pushed for something to do that she's outside right now, clamoring to get on stage. Don't you worry, the doors are bolted, so we'll crack on with the next category before she crowbars the cat flap and storms the stage. NEXT AWARD!


Never Stop The Europop said...

Almost all ABBA covers (and tribute groups) are automatically doomed to fail - they'll just never be as good as the original, either vocally or musically. The only way to do a great cover (and this applies not just to ABBA songs, but in general) is to radically rework the original - change the genre, or subvert the tone or meaning. Like the great ABBA covers by the Nils Landgren Funk Unit, or the Britney covers by Global Kryner.

"two wasps in a biscuit tin" - LOVE IT. Bang on the nail!

CyberPete said...

It seemed for a while that Blogger didn't want to let me comment (everyone's a critic eh?)

I didn't think the duet was near as bad or disappointing as the Madonna album. Now that must have been the biggest let down for Madge fans especially - if there are any left after that pile of sh..

That said the duet should have been done back when Kylie covered Dancing Queen and Dannii did nothing or not at all. Maybe it worked in the context of the BBC drama it was recorded for?

The Mutant said...

Further evidence that the two disco midgets should never be placed in the same room together with a microphone.

Funny how the pair of them both bemoan the fact they appear to be losers, err irony much?

I can only hope you've sealed all gaps around the windows too, anything a cockroach can fit through a Minogue can easily walk through after all. Dannii will be clawing at you for that award in no time at all.