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Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Most Disappointing... Sex!

Looks at teleprompter

What's this last category? 'Most Disappointing Sex of 2008'? That's a bit cheeky, isn't it? Oh well, if it gets you all out of here so we can get the char in to hoover up the Twiglets, so be it.

Funny old year, 2008. There was a lot of the old slap-and-tickle thanks to being out of a relationship (although cough that didn't stop me at the time. Oh those wacky gays! We'll stick it in a hornet's nest if it went to the gym three times a week) and also working from home a lot. Well, there wasn't much else doing as soon as you realise you're bored of daytime television and you've completed Lego Star Wars on the Wii. Well, you may as well get a gentleman caller in to pass the time. It's either that or descale the kettle, isn't it?

Anyway, I've had some pretty dire hanky-panky over the years. The one who used to say "Play with me, daddy!" in a child's voice whenever he'd drop his trousers. The one who'd just keep repeating "Oh, you're so clean, so so clean!" while he's working up to his happy place. Oh, and I almost forgot that last year had the guy with such a small penis that it was completely dwarfed by the piercing he'd had put in! Honestly, it'd take a lot more than that to draw attention to it. Two spotlights and Peter Snow huffing at it with elongated baton would have just about worked, but this guy was intent on being the one on top too. Poor lamb. I thought I'd let him have a go for my own curiosity and amusement. Turns out you can get to '99 Bottles of Bottles of Beer On The Wall' while someone's going at you with polite intent. Well, I say 'beer' - about halfway through I'd switched to counting in Baccardi Breezers because I wanted to feel a little cheap. Well, you've got to get your kicks somehow.

So. This year topped the lot with some Spanish lad who lived around the corner that I'd found on that cheerful introductory website for Gentlemen Who Can't Catch. The Orange Facebook, if you will. I used to enjoy the local area because a) I was lazy and b) it's a lot less inconvenient to squelch home two streets when your nethermouth is gummed up with KY. Doing that on the Tube can often bring a whole new meaning to 'tacky', if you unfortunately catch my drift.

Anyway, this Spanish guy. He was one of these guys who thinks he's a lot more attractive than he actually is. Well, lets be generous: he probably was at one point, but time is a harsh mistress. And so is cake, it seems. So when he took his top off, out sprung this pot belly that had been missing on the introductory pictures. And while I was untying my shoes, he proceeded to wave his member in my face like he expected me to pounce on it like Britney on a bag of Cheez-Its. I'm sorry, but no. I do like a bit of romance first - or, being British - the offer of a cup of tea at least. So I ignored his member for a moment and carried on untying my shoes, to which he tuts and installs himself on the bed, taking matters into his own hands as it where. 'Well,' I thought. 'I've come all this way (all of 200 feet) I may as well go and have a go'. But he's too busy on his own now. So I do the same for a bit - until his phone rings. Ah, that dampener of the most desperate ardor! The comedy ring-tone! But - get this - he answers the bloody phone! Starts chuntering away in his native tongue - a tongue which, I would like to point out, had been nowhere near me in the whole visit.

Well, what did I do? I may not have any dignity, my darlings, but I do have some standards. Ha! Actually, that's a lie. But what I did do is grab my coat and go. Well, there wasn't any point in being there, really. He was clearly in a world of his own, and I... well, I clearly had a kettle to descale.

And there we have it, ladies and gentlemen. Hope you've enjoyed the review of the year. Hopefully we can meet back here this time next year and celebrate America's newfound freedom, and that Katy Perry was hit by a bus and will never sing again.


CyberPete said...

Hahahaha! Sorry.


Never Stop The Europop said...


Kathleen Bradean said...

What about the old guy who felt you up on the train? Or was that 2007? Bad sex- it'seenver far enough in the past, is it?

Limehouse Dan said...

What's worse are those times when you're just not in the mood, and you realise you've become some else's "worst sex" anecdote.


Adam said...

Was he called Manu by any chance?

Jams said...

Where does one get an entry (ahem) form for this category in 2009?

travelling, but not in love said...

My award should go to 'Homer Simpson Socks'...alas, despite his socks and disappointing hair, he was actually quite good.

For a definite lack of 'after sales service' my recent stalker wins hands down.

Fabio said...

It could be worse:

Gonzo said...

Should have tried Portuguese instead...