Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Glitter for Brains At The Movies! Star Trek!  

We go so you don't have to!

So. I can see from my Twitter feed that I'm probably one of the few who doesn't like this shiny new reboot, Chris Pine in his space-briefs and everything. I did try, honestly. So I'll get my feelings as to why in the only way we know how. You know, by taking the piss. So, without further ado, Glitter for Brains proudly presents...

STAR TREK: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
Warning! Contains deliberate spoilers!

JJ ABRAMS: Hi there. I'm JJ, the director. And this here is my Big Wheel of Directing, which I'm going to spin before every pivotal scene. As you can see, the three categories clearly marked on it in the proper font are 'Nostalgia', 'Over-the-Top Drama' and 'Whimsy'! Let's start by spinning the wheel, and...

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK!

JJ ABRAMS: Over-the-Top Drama! Fun!

SHIPS EXPLODE and people RUN ABOUT. It is all VERY IMPRESSIVE.

STAR TREK FANS: Eh? What's this? Excitement? Where's the two hours of soul searching and notes on trade agreements?

JJ ABRAMS: Oh yes. This is the first time we've had a cast under the age of 40 in a Star Trek film. We can do so much more now! Like running shots. And close-ups on Uhura without you thinking we'd employed Lance Henricksen in the role.

CAPTION: MANY YEARS LATER.

CHRIS PINE is being beaten to a BLOODY PULP in a BAR FIGHT. It is by STARFLEET CADETS.

BRUCE GREENWOOD: Stop! Stop! Cadets to your quarters. Chris Pine, I want you to join Starfleet. It's what your dad would have wanted. Starfleet is all about honor. It's about nobility. It's about being worthwhile.

CHRIS PINE: Six Starfleet cadets just mashed my face in for no reason, completely subjugating me!

BRUCE GREENWOOD: Oh alright, its about being an American.

CHRIS PINE: Can I drive a kick-ass spaceship like it was a sportcar and make out with chicks?

BRUCE GREENWOOD: Hell, that's what this part of the franchise was always a metaphor for!

CHRIS PINE: You're on! I'm just going to cheat on my entrance exam.

BRUCE GREENWOOD: Now you're apparently thinking like a Starfleet officer!

CUT TO:
ERIC BANA'S MINING SHIP

ERIC BANA: Aha! I'm pissed off!

SUBORDINATE: Any reason?

ERIC BANA: Not really. I think it's pretty much because Spock from the future was going to save my planet. But he was five minutes late because he'd left the space-iron on or something, and it went ka-blooey so we've travelled back in time to do the same to his. To Vulcan! To blow it up!

THEY GO.

CUT TO: CHRIS PINE and KARL URBAN sneaking aboard the ENTERPRISE.

CHRIS PINE: What if someone sees us?

KARL URBAN: I'll inject you with this!

CHRIS PINE: Wait! What is it?

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK!

JJ ABRAMS: I've just spun the Big Wheel of Directing and it has landed on... Whimsy!

CHRIS PINE'S HANDS swell up to TWICE THEIR SIZE!

KARL URBAN: Oh well, I'll keep injecting you until it gets a laugh too.

CHRIS PINE: Lets go and see Uhura. She appears to be working in the Enterprise's micro-brewery. We have to assemble the original crew on the bridge as fast as possible!

CUT TO: THE SHINY NEW BRIDGE.

JOHN CHO: Ready to go to warp speed, Bruce!

JJ ABRAMS: I just like to point out I haven't spun the wheel again, John. We're still on Whimsy.

JOHN CHO: Whoops silly me what a clutz I've left the parking brake on fiddle-de-dee.

ANTON YELCHIN ('Russian' accent): Wick-tor-Wick-tor-Tango-Foxtrot!

JJ ABRAMS: Oh Anton, I'm assigning a special WhimsyCam to follow your every move from now on! The audience will lap it up!

THE AUDIENCE: ...

THE ENTERPRISE WARPS to VULCAN. ERIC BANA is already THERE about to BLOW IT UP.

BRUCE GREENWOOD: Pine! Cho! Guy in a red shirt! Go and stop that drilling equipment!

They PARACHUTE down to it. Although the Guy In The Red Shirt DIES.

JJ ABRAMS: Isn't this clever? We killed the guy in the red shirt! Woo!

THE AUDIENCE: Yesyesyes, we get it. Shut up and spin your wheel.

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK!

JJ ABRAMS: The wheel's landed on... I think that's Over-the-Top Drama...

PINE and CHO FIGHT TWO ROMULANS who come out of the DRILL!

JJ ABRAMS: No wait! Nostalgia!

JOHN CHO (Getting out OTT CGI SWORD): Did I tell you I'm a master of fencing?

JJ ABRAMS: No! Over-the-Top Drama!

THEY FIGHT. AND FENCE. AND BLOW UP the DRILL.

CHRIS PINE: Enterprise! We need to be beamed up! NOW!

JJ ABRAMS: Anton! Is WhimsyCam full of film and ready for action?

ANTON YELCHIN: Yeuss, Ca'pn Jey-Jey!

JJ ABRAMS: Off you go!

ANTON YELCHIN simultaneously MAULS the ENGLISH LANGUAGE, completes THREE COMEDY PRAT FALLS in quick succession and BEAMS THEM UP.

JJ ABRAMS: Brilliant! That's all from you, Anton. But if you want to stand in the background of the bridge and try and put up some wallpaper with a pasteboard, three buckets of paste, a plank and two other slapstick extras, I'm not against it.

ZACHARY QUINTO: Chris Pine, I'm expelling you from this ship to the next coincidental plot point. Take him to an escape pod.

CHRIS PINE is EJECTED to a ICE PLANET'S SURFACE. Where he ESCAPES from the MONSTER FROM CLOVERFIELD and finds himself in A CAVE. Which further REVEALS...

JJ ABRAMS: One second!

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK!

JJ ABRAMS: Nostalgia!

... LEONARD NIMOY sitting around the camp fire.

CHRIS PINE (shuffles awkwardly): Oi! Get back to your own franchise!

LEONARD NIMOY: But I'm here to placate those mad fans still protesting in the lobby about Uhura getting a first name.

CHRIS PINE: How you going to do that? I've been getting sent toupees and corsets in the post for the last year with scrawled notes saying 'DO IT PROPERLY OR ELSE'.

LEONARD NIMOY: I'm going to explain this is all an alternate reality, so we can fuck around with continuity all we want and they can happily get back to counting red cars. Now lets go get Simon Pegg so we can beam you back to the plot.

CHRIS PINE and SIMON PEGG BEAM to the ENTERPRISE...

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK!

JJ ABRAMS: Whimsy!

...only SIMON PEGG BEAMS into the WATER COOLANT SYSTEM and almost DROWNS in a HILARIOUS MANNER.

SIMON PEGG: Och aye, I like this ship! Cough! Splutter! Hack!

ZACHARY QUINTO: You know, Chris Pine, I'm completely emotionless unless you make me talk about my mum. It'd be an ideal way to make me give control to you, and not make the audience question your self-serving motives at all.

CHRIS PINE: You know, I think I will. Your mum is rubbish. And dead. And Winona Ryder in some seriously bad aging make-up.

ZACHARY QUINTO: You bitch! I'll scratch your eyes out! Let me at him..!

CHRIS PINE: Oh Zachary, I relieve you of command. Until the next scene where we need to go and blow up Eric Bana's ship.

ERIC BANA (on screen): Enterprise! SPOCK! I blame you for my planet being blown up. But rather than kill you, you must live to watch my revenge! From a cave! A little way-away! Make sure you don't miss it, eh? Eh?! Ah, sod it, I'll blow up the Earth as well. For no other reason than Spock probably had a timeshare home there or something.

CHRIS PINE: Well, we're going to blow you up using the best that Starfleet can offer!

ERIC BANA: Honor?

CHRIS PINE: No.

ERIC BANA: Patriotism?

CHRIS PINE: No. Technobabble! Zachary Quinto, load up the Omega-13 doomsday device that will create black holes and end the film!

He DOES. And ERIC BANA'S SHIP is DESTROYED.

CHRIS PINE: Eric! Before you go, I'd just like offer the hand of friendship now we've subjugated you and nearly wiped you out.

ERIC BANA: What kind of monsters are you?

CHRIS PINE: We, sir, are Starfleet!

ERIC BANA looks over in HORROR and DIES.

CHRIS PINE: Oh well. Medals for everyone when we get home!

LEONARD NIMOY (voice over): Space. A wholly-owned subsidiary of the Paramount Corporation. These are the voyages of the USS Cash Cow. It's ongoing mission: to rebuild a franchise. To boldly bank-roll where we've all been before. Only with nicer sets and better special effects.

THE END.

(with thanks to Richard Atkinson and Gary Gillatt who shared my sentiments).

9 comments:

Tim said...

This is all because I said the new Doctor Who has no eyebrows, isn't it?

Lee said...

Yes, Tim. Yes it is.

Pat Gaik said...

BEST. POST. EVER.

Kathleen Bradean said...

You're just jealous because green girl got dry humped by the douchbag, er, Kirk. (which he didn't seem to be enjoying, judging from a frame by frame analysis. Maybe green sluts are a total bonerkiller for him)

Razorblack said...

But I still enjoyed the reboot, and actually I liked your spoilerrific post AS WELL. Hah!

It reminded me of how much I disliked Classic ST and prefer the hippy Next Generation because of lovely lovely Patrick Stewart. Wish they'd reboot TNG *wishwishwish*

Lee said...

I'm still waiting for a Voyager reboot.

Dazskins said...

I'm afraid you lost me at "Chris Pine in his space-briefs..." - now I definitely have to see it, no matter how far the franchise is pushed...

You also managed to 'spoil' two films in one go - I haven't had time to watch my Cloverfield DVD yet and I still hoped it was a giant naked invisible Matt Damon rampaging New york. Damn.

Still, you've made my weekend. When will you write that book so I can take you everywhere to cheer me up ad hoc?

Dazskins

Frank said...

I just got back from seeing it and I liked it. I would "lap up" that Checkhov guy anytime! And Chris Pine's eyes are pretty. Plus, I swear those little shorts he had on with the green chick were 2(x)ist carbon bamboo things. How gay is that?

Stepfordtart said...

I wasnt going to go see it anyhow, and now I dont have to! Perfect! Im assuming this was close enough to the 'official' plot for me to us it as 'proof' that I have seen it, should anyone ask. I need to read you more often, Lee, you do cheer me up so! s x