Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Glitter for Brains At The Movies! Transformers 2!  

This has been one of the hardest G4B At The Movies I've ever had to write because in order to take the piss out of something, you must pretty much understand why the event happens. This film makes absolutely no sense: things happen because the cack-handed people behind the camera just jump from one idea to the next because they think it'll be cool. It's racist, sexist, loud and annoying. And without any further ado, we present...

GLITTER FOR BRAINS AT THE MOVIES: TRANFORMERS 2!
We go so you don't have to!

Warning: contains deliberate spoilers!

OPTIMUS PRIME: For two years, we have been working secretly with the military to save this planet.

THE AUDIENCE: Well, at the end of the last one, you destroyed the whole of downtown LA, so I think the cat's out the bag about your 'secret'.

They BLOW UP half of TOKYO. Clearly IN CONFIDENCE.

THE AUDIENCE: You know, with all these explosions and portents, we've long thought that Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich make these films as love letters to each other.

MEANWHILE, over at SHIA LABEOUF'S house, he finds a shard of the CUBE MACGUFFIN from the FIRST FILM. It makes a lot of NAMED BRANDS turn into ROBOTS, so they can now do ADVERTS about your DYSON being cool enough to KILL YOU and think this will inexplicably make you BUY ONE.

The MOST ANNOYING one created is a little RC TRUCK who speaks like JOE PESCI. It ESCAPES. Unfortunately.

SHIA LABEOUF: Megan Fox, yellow transforming car - I'm off to college. To show what a dickless spaz I am, I'm leaving you both here.

MEGAN FOX slowly gets UNDRESSED for the camera. This is to distract the MALE AUDIENCE from there being no COHERENT PLOT so far. Director MICHAEL BAY is clearly hoping that TRANSFORMING HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES are good enough to distract the FEMALE AUDIENCE.

MICHEAL BAY: ZOMG TOTALLY PWNED!!!! You did not say that!!1!!!11!!! I am so not that sexist!!!ONE!!!!ELEVEN!!

THE AUDIENCE points at the SLOWLY UNDRESSING MEGAN FOX.

Meanwhile, the DECEPTICONS have retrieved the other remains of the CUBE MACGUFFIN from the FIRST FILM.

ONE OF THE DECEPTICONS: We're going to slam it into Megatron's chest to bring him to life!

THE AUDIENCE: But wasn't that what killed him in the first place..?

They SHRUG and DO IT anyway. It WORKS because this film has decided LOGIC and CONTINUITY are best left to better films like LINDSAY LOHAN'S 'I KNOW WHO KILLED ME'.

MEANWHILE, SHIA LABEOUF is at COLLEGE. He has been taken there by HIS PARENTS. His MOTHER is given a POT CAKE, because this is clearly what happens to everyone as soon as they set foot on COLLEGE CAMPUS. His MOTHER then RUGBY-TACKLES TEENAGE BOYS, tells everyone her SON is no longer a VIRGIN and other EMBARRASSING THINGS.

THE AUDIENCE: Well, this is clearly cutting-edge humour. Although, distressingly, this will turn out to be the funniest part of the film.

SHIA LABEOUF goes to CLASS. The PROFESSOR taking the class is a NERD. Despite this, there are many shots of HOT WOMEN IN SHORT SKIRTS leaning forward and crossing and uncrossing their legs like his mere presence and whiny voice has turned them up to GASH MARK FIVE. This is to show THE AUDIENCE that apparently HOT WOMEN find NERDS sexy.

SHIA LABEOUF spazzes out over some SYMBOLS or something. Its not really adequately explained, and before we can object one of the HOT WOMEN IN SHORT SKIRTS launches herself at SHIA LABEOUF. She turns out to be a SEXBOT, who had to be designed and had to enroll in a college that THE DECEPTICONS may or may not have known SHIA LABEOUF was about to go to be at. There are, in theory, one of these SEXBOTS in all the colleges in AMERICA in case SHIA LABEOUF had gone there.

The SEXBOT blows up THE LIBRARY.

MICHAEL BAY: PEW! YEAH BANG! That'll learn you, you... books!

THE AUDIENCE: But aren't you all about glorifying nerds?

MICHAEL BAY: Only cool nerds! You know, who like Halo! Pew!Pew!Pew!

MEGAN FOX turns up in the YELLOW TRANSFORMING CAR. MEGAN and SHIA fight about the SEXBOT. OPTIMUS PRIME and SOME DECEPTICONS fight.

MICHAEL BAY: You know, at the IMAX, this fight is going to be more or less full scale! ZOMG!

Apparently OPTIMUS PRIME is killed. We only KNOW THIS because SHIA LABEOUF starts crying, rather than from the CAMERA MOVEMENTS which are like they have STRAPPED the LENS to the back of a LABRADOR with A.D.D.

SHIA and MEGAN escape to find some OLD DECEPTICON. They BRING IT TO LIFE with a shard of the CUBE MACGUFFIN. MEGAN FOX doesn't have any lines in this scene, so she remains blank and stares roughly in the direction of WHOEVER is speaking.

THE AUDIENCE: Waaaait. If it brings this one back to life, why can't it bring back Optimus Prime?

The little RC TRUCK humps MEGAN FOX'S LEG so as not to answer. Then the OLD DECEPTICON comes to life and takes them all to EGYPT. They drive around a bit until SHIA announces:

SHIA LABEOUF: Oh my god, it's the police!

THE AUDIENCE: What? Why? Did we miss something?

MICHAEL BAY: LMAO!!!!!Nonono!! It's just more EXCITING!!!!111!!!

THE AUDIENCE: Stuff you think is exciting happens for no reason? God, that could be the movie tag-line.

EVERYONE pulls up at an EGYPTIAN CHECKPOINT.

DEEP ROY, the CHECKPOINT OPERATOR: Oh my god, you're American! We foreigners all love Americans, with your flags and Big Macs and everything! Go through, go through!

MICHAEL BAY: HELL YEAH, AMERICA FOR TEH WIN!

THE AUDIENCE: I think we skipped off 'realism' a while back with the talking trucks, but this is ridiculous.

MEANWHILE, some GENERAL GENERAL gets the order to drop OPTIMUS PRIME'S BODY and give AIR SUPPORT for SHIA LABEOUF via a CODED MESSAGE.

GENERAL GENERAL #5: It says 'Bring the rain'.

MICHAEL BAY: ZOMG I so have a lapful of sperm.

THE AUDIENCE: This film would be 15 minutes shorter if you edit all the lingering shots of tanks and guns.

MICHAEL BAY: LOL LMAO!!!!111!! THEY'RE THE BEST BITS!!!!

And so we reach the CLIMAX of the FILM. Where SHIA LABEOUF and MEGAN FOX have to get across some DESERT to cross to OPTIMUS PRIME and WAKE HIM UP with some FAIRY DUST, while some DECEPTICONS mash at the PYRAMIDS to release AN ANCIENT WEAPON to DESTROY THE SUN.

SHIA LABEOUF and MEGAN FOX have to run a MILE in SLOW MOTION so the camera can linger on her TITS.

THE AUDIENCE: Why? Why are they running? Why don't they just jump in the yellow car one and drive all the way to Optimus Prime?

MICHAEL BAY: LOL TITS!

THE AUDIENCE: Oh for fuck's sake.

The TRANFORMERS smash each other AGAIN. Sometimes in SLOW MOTION, sometimes NOT.

MICHAEL BAY: ZOMG LMAO!PEW!PEW!PEW! There are 48 new Transformers in this film! That's so COOL!

THE AUDIENCE: Er. OK. I can see the truck one, and the yellow car one. Oh there's the hideous Racist Twins who speak in jive, have gold teeth and can't read, and the little car that speaks like Joe Pesci for no reason... 48? Are you sure?

SHIA LABEOUF and MEGAN FOX hide because there's AN AIRSTRIKE coming. Behind a fucking BUSH. We're not kidding.

SHIA LABEOUF puts the magic fairy dust on OPTIMUS PRIME and he WAKES UP. He puts on NEW ACCESSORIES so that a NEW TOY can be released.

OPTIMUS PRIME: Lets roll out..!

He FLIES. Not ROLLS.

The AUDIENCE rolls their eyes instead.

Some TRANSFORMERS DIE, some DON'T. The EVIL seems VANQUISHED, but no-one who leaves the CINEMA can remember HOW.

OPTIMUS PRIME: And so, the status quo has been restored, and everything is pretty much as it was at the start of the film. Except, we will have sold more toys. Promotional items: lets roll out..!

The movie ENDS with MICHAEL BAY JIZZING onto an AMERICAN FLAG.

The End.

5 comments:

Red Exile / Красная Ссылка said...

Sheer. Fucking. Genius. (you, that is, not the film)

Mark Clapham said...

I don't think it's a "Labrador with ADD", I think it's the bigger of Shia's parents' two pet dogs, presumably still shaking from the hilarious dogrape scene earlier in the film.

That's actually the most cogent summary of the 'plot' I've seen so far, btw.

Kathleen Bradean said...

Brilliant.

Not that I ever wanted to, but it's good to know that I can write a motion picture script. Let's see. Boom! tits. product placement on slow motion tits. Some funky old dude in too much makeup mumbling 70s TV show references. More tits! Boom!
Can I have my million dollars now?

indavao said...
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tagskie said...
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