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Monday, July 27, 2009

Heigl High Water

I love a good disaster movie... And for once I'm not talking about anything with Katherine Heigl in. Yeesh, I tell you, I was snacking on my popcorn, waiting for Ryan Reynolds/Sandra Bullock magnum opus 'The Proposal' to start when I was forced to sit through the trailer for 'The Ugly Truth' - her latest hour-and-a-half of her tossing her thinning hair at some man, while she gives them the side eye with her gimlet eyes. Oh, and then some stunt-woman dressed as her fell out of a tree. My my, comedy gold. You have to pity any stunt woman who has to dress as Heigl - not only do you have to wear a weave that looks like its been combed by a lawn edger, but also be next to her on set while she invariably tells all and sundry how hard and horrible Hollywood is to work in. Let me tell you, honey: I've worked in the other side of Hollywood in a couple of... specialist films. And yes, we were worked hard for 17 hour days and could barely sit down on the bus home, but we were grateful for it! We may have been paid in bottlecaps and Luncheon Vouchers, but we were happy! So snap out of it, love. You're only this close from the IMDB ignominy of 'straight-to-DVD' by the big beary presence of Gerard Butler as your co-star.

Oh he'd get it. He could come over and buff my floor. Yes, my pelvic one.

Ahem. I'll just straighten my tie - where was I? Oh yes. Disaster movies. I love it when they run one of them on the main channels here - you get to skip back and forth in the plot by using their own catch-up '+1' channel. So yesterday Channel 4 was showing the brilliant 'Poseidon Adventure' and you could skip between scenes:

One channel: Shelley Winters is climbing up the Christmas tree.
Skip on: She's dying of a heart attack for no reason to get an Academy nomination!
Skip back: Roddy McDowall is drowned in the galley!
Back again: Gene Hackman sends them all to safety after his "Take my life!" speech.

Brilliant. All films should come with this option. Certainly every Kathrine Heigl one: oh look, she's kooky, tossing her whispy locks and fancies a man. SKIP TO! Oh look, she's made a complete cock of herself, but that only makes the man love her more! They get married, the end!

Finally one I'd watch!


Ellie said...

Gerard is a lot of man. You're brave to invite the buffing! x, e

Lee said...

I'm just worried that his pubes are going to be as grey as his hair. It'll be like someone pushing wire wool back and forth at your face like a lawnmower.

The Mutant said...

If indeed you come out looking like you've been scrubbed by a brillo pad, I think it'd be worth it... Publish the photos and we'd be jealous as hell!

Ian J Brooks said...

LOL what did good old Katherine do to you..

Gerrard Butler is a fine speciman of manhood..