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Friday, September 11, 2009

That Saga

I just realised I haven't really spoken about Twilight, have I? Well, in short:

I. Don't. Get. Twilight.

Or more correctly, I don't get abstinence. I think that's what my main objection is. That and the mimsy doomed romance between two vapid people that go to every extreme length to show Sex! Is! Bad! That if you do, the man will turn rabid and destroy you (Stephanie Mayer changing her name to Mary-Sue there) and if you do do it with the correct 'protection', you may still end up with a cancerous growth inside you that'll probably break your spine as it grows.

Well, fancy. I doubt that I'll ever write anything as heart-warming or as popular, but I'd just like to put across that Sex! Is! Good! and the whole concept of absence is probably doomed from the start. I am a huge fan of 'try before you buy', so much so that I'm a valued shopper with many gentlemen callers. And it has taken me many years to find a partner I'm happy with. Lord, when I think of some of the past ones - one comes to mind that I didn't know was ginger until he dropped his trollies, his pencil-thin member topped with an almost-blue tip. There was a whole 'is that it?' after the event. I couldn't imagine waiting til I was married to get that as a present. Its a given fact that people sometimes aren't compatible in bed, no matter what their personalities are like. And this is for me what Twilight promoted.

I have three favourite moments in the whole film:

1) Edward reveals that he doesn't have a bed. Thus proving that allowing a girl into his room, she is completely safe from any teenage pawings at her abstinence ring. "I don't sleep," he mutters. Sure you don't, I'm fine with that. But not even a chair to lie back on and peruse some men@play? Sure, you're 300 years old so when you shot your load it'd be like a little puff of Malvern Sea Salt detonating, but it'd stop you wandering about looking like you've trapped your vamp nads in a car door, darling.

2) Edward appearing in Bella's room while she sleeps. Because last time I awoke with some pallid youth leaning over me in the morning, I then had to fork out £50 for the night and later found out he'd nicked my DVD player.

3) The moment in Bella's bedroom where Edward and Bella are close and she leans in for a kiss. For a moment, he looks like he's going to - hethen twirls her away in a dance.

See, now. This is the whole crux of the matter for me, as this is what your Twi-hard fan is going to expect whenever she invites a boy up to her room for the first time. She's going to lean in, and so is he. She's going to expect him to twirl her away, he's going to stick his tongue down her throat. "No no! Do it like Edward!" she'll exclaim, and he'll laugh in her face and try getting to second base through her Bella jacket.

A note for any Twi-hard girl reading this: if a man twirls you away instead of kissing you, chances are he's going to be Very Good With Colours and will be platting your hair as you watch the first season of 'Glee'. But he's still going to break your heart eventually, so that will probably please you in some dark internal place. You have my permission to cut yourself just a little.


Kathleen Bradean said...

I'm surprised you didn't mention that Edward sparkles. Um, yeah. guys who sparkle... are usually really good dancers.

Orchis said...

Vampirism and no sex - isn't that what it's all about ? Is the woman mad ?

Has the cat taken up residence and reduced you to helpless slavedom yet ?