Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

"Hands That Do Dishes..."

Here's a list of adverts getting on my goat. Because I need to share the pain.

1) Evian Roller Babies

Apparently this travesty is in the top ten things watched on YouTube last year (the top of which being Susan Boyle showing us all you can't judge a book by its floral print, badly-plucked cover). I can't abide it. I don't care if it looks realistic and cute, the idea of babies on rollerblades coming at me - I see this akin to an Egyptian plague of frogs and locusts. And it does look realistic. Creepily so. If I didn't know better I'd think it was the most flagrant breaking of child labour laws this side of China. Still, you have to love how those tiny hands can do stitching - you can barely see the seam on this Vera Wang, can you?


2) Josh's T-Mobile

The basis for this campaign is someone apparently went out and interviewed The Great Unwashed - though in all reality they were clearly graduates from the Sylvia Young School and just waiting for their free episode of 'Doctors' or 'Casualty' that comes free with an Equity card and slumming it in phone commercials. Among these was the 'break-out star' named Josh, who claimed he'd use his free texts to set up a super-band. Now Josh has the looks, cheer and downright punch-the-screen irritability of Peregrin Took from 'Lord of the Rings', so you can picture how cheered I was when he span off into his own set of commercials, stating that you could pop on his MySpace page (MySpace? Is that still going?! I think I popped on there a few years back and all that rolled by were two tumbleweeds and some goth with glittery text on her header telling me to go to her gig. I closed the window and crossed myself) and join his 'super band'. We are then presented with clips showing Josh jumping around with all the excitement of Tom Cruise in a sofa shop, singing a song that tries to inspire more 'coming together' than a download from Hotjocknicecock.com. Fuck right off, Josh.Your songs is as irritating as crotch crabs, and you're right up with them. I hope your fucking mobile phone explodes in your ear while you're talking to your mates about how you've managed to get someone with bagpipes to sign up for your corporate-sponsored band, slowly killing you over a matter of weeks.

3) Google Chrome (alas, I couldn't find a link to this one, so you'll just have to take my word for it)

All hail our overlords! Now I like a bit of Google - and yes, it's scary that they're going to have a complete monopoly on information in a few years, but isn't their new browser pretty?! And yet, the advert sets my teeth on edge: it's a list of things that one user had done on the browser that afternoon, primarily finding a cheap holiday to Barbados. All well and good. But what this user then goes on and does is use it to have a conference call with 15 or so friends, and then writing 30 tweets about it. Thirty-fucking-tweets about a holiday you just booked. Can you imagine reading that banality? I reckon it'd include words like 'squee!' and 'ZOMG!' and frankly if they were using a lap-top, I'd hope that someone had installed razor-wire on the lid so it could be remotely slammed shut and chop their uncontrolled tippy-tapping fingers off at the knuckle to save us from this vapid ooze.

Speaking of Google controlling all, I decided to read the GoogleBooks version of '1984' for irony's sake. Bless, there are pages missing, with a rather sorry note saying such things as 'Pages 4-18 unscanned'. Well, scan them, you lazy fuckers! And yes, I know you're reading this. Although in all truth I'd just finished reading end-of-the-world miseryfest 'The Road', so took these gaps in the narrative to make up my own - much cheerier - parts of the story where Winston Smith gets a haircut, facial, and finally sees to that varicus ulcer on his leg with a bit of cheap laser surgery on the Miniluv.

3 comments:

Poobaba said...

How about adverts for deodorants that offer 48 hours protection – Is there a whole sector of the British public that only wash every third day??

Stephen said...

Evian Babies are the creepiest thing this side of Pat Butcher's make up.

Ellie said...

Fucking Evian babies.