Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, February 15, 2013

The Reason I Now Have Short Hair


I hadn't been single long, still finding my feet - which it turned out were more often than not in the air - and managed to find this hulking great man via Dr Grin's Patented Finder of Gentleman Friends (To An Astounding Accuracy of 65 Meters). Good body, face less so, but I was simply after a little slap, tickle and pointless validation. Which he was giving me in the strangest way: he kept stroking my hair. No, not stroking - petting. My hair was shoulder-length at this point; I recommend to almost anyone to at least give it a go growing it. Plus I'd had a new passport photo taken at that time, so I could flash it and at least pretend I was rock 'n' roll at one point in my life; that I'd travelled the world and done all the drugs. These days I think being a rebel is not piercing the film on a microwave meal, but in flashing my passport I could hint at another life where I'd tried licking toads and owned a pair of flip-flops.

I was slightly conscious of a figure of the Virgin Mary rocking back and forward with each shunt.'Dirty cow,' I thought. 'She wants in on this. Virgin my beautiful bouncy ass.' But it was only til we finished did I start to take in exactly how much religious iconography was around the bedroom. I got no problem with diddling the God-botherers - they tend to be ten times more vigorous, having finally smothered their pent-up self-loathing with brief relief, and never really want to engage with much chit-chat afterwards bar 'is that your sock or mine?' And 'You're going to Hell, you know.' Yeah well so are you for that polyester bed set, but I didn't want to be the first one throwing stones honey.

This guy, whereas: he held me for a long time after we got dressed to the point where my arms fell to my side, but he carried on. "Thank you, thank you,' he whispered. I patted his back in distracted consolation; I mean, I was ok but definitely not worth what looked like tears forming in the corner of his eyes. Blimey, perhaps this rickety old body still got moves after all. "Thank you," he repeated. "I finally fucked Jesus."

And I got out of there at the speed of God.

4 comments:

Ian Betteridge said...

Thank God you're blogging again, it's been far too long.

Ellie said...

Friggin hysterical

MinCat said...

oh you're back and HOW!

Russell Day said...

OMG! Lee you seriously make life fun for us! Don't ever leave us again!