Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Utter Tat I Have Found While Packing

Exhibit A: The Star Trek Voyager Alarm Clock

What cock!Why on earth was this little gem hidden atop my gorgeous wardrobe?* Why, it's a totem to the days when everyone hoped that Voyager was going to be the Next Best Thing, and not Some Scripts We Never Bothered Doing For Picard's Lot! The Voyager clock comprises a half-moon of off-white plastic, with a delightfully forced-perspective ship leering out at you. It just yells excitement! Look at it. Yelling! And best of all? It has Kate Mulgrew's voice stored as the alarm!

Why not wake in your loved one's arms to the barking voice of Mz Mulgrew, yelling "The USS Voyager is 70,000 light years from home and we are desperate to get back!"

And then, with a wry edge to her hacksaw voice, she adds:

"Are you going to lie there all day?"

Why no! Not with you yapping on like a Great Dane on helium we're not! For then, she repeats it, again and again. Why, it's just that that seminal** Voyager episode, Coda! Until you hit the snooze button, cunningly disguised (?!) as a bright blue rocky outcrop. Ho, the designer of this must have gone home that Friday, smiling at a week's work well done!

But lo, even with the snooze, you're not free of our very own Poundstretcher Kate Hepburn. For now, she's telling us:

"Attention all those in sleeping quarters! Move now or be left behind!"

Oh, our collective ears! I can't, for the life of me, think why I stopped using it as an alarm clock!

* I don't have a closet, natch. It was destroyed in the explosion of my not-so-much-coming-out-as-shooting-out.

** 'seminal' as in 'a load of old wank'.

No comments: