Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, May 05, 2006


Don't you love it when secrets come out?

My one vain hope in this world is that this mortal body does actually survive longer than alleged bum-botherer Tom Cruise, so we can all bear witness to a cavalcade of boy-totty leaping out of the closet to attend the funeral and claim him as their own. That's a point: how do Scientologists have funerals? I suppose if his casket is laid out on a pink ribbon float that travels down Broadway down to where they're showing 'Wicked', we won't have to wonder any longer, will we?

But anyway. The other secret that caught my delectable green/grey eyes this very week is the US government considered developing a Gay Bomb. How utterly marvellous!

For those of you who's imagining a device that drops behind enemy lines, projects a 15-foot hologram of Cher before releasing a cloud of 'cK One' and a recipe for stuffed porcini mushrooms, apparently you're wrong.

If I could turn ba-BOOOOM!

Fabulous, but wrong.

The plan for a so-called 'love bomb' envisaged an aphrodisiac chemical that would provoke widespread homosexual behaviour among troops. Provoke? Clearly these people haven't seen the, uh, Gentleman's Recreational Film 'Standing to Attention!' where it seems the whole of the Navy, Army, Fire Department and a quick cameo from the 'fifth emergency service', the Automotive Association, decide to go at it like knives. Although I do believe the latter was a rather laboured plot device to get in a scene with a bicycle pump. Not wholly expected. And seemingly not by the actor in the scene, either.

So. Hilarious Gay Bomb. That clearly comes with a subscription to Homes and Gardens when it goes off. Can you guess how much this whole charming endeavour would have cost?

$7.5 million.

Oh darlings, I've got better results out of straight men with two bottles of wine and a bit of straight porn. Total cost - £22.40.

Hey. I'm cheap, but at least I get the job done.

Have good weekends, y'all.


CyberPete said...

Standing to Attention you say. That's one I haven't seen before. I'll have to look that up.

Ollie said...

I love their description of why they didn't drop a bomb that smelt of poo. "Researchers concluded that the premise for such a device was fatally flawed because 'people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odour offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis'."
Pure class!

Andrea said...

Well there you go - you're a secret weapon already! Who knew?

I still think the Cher hologram could work though.

nin said...

You are such a riot.

FirstNations said...

"an army of lovers would be unstoppable"

alexander the great*

no shit!

Cezi said...

Lee, thank God for you darling:) I needed to come here today!lol!XOXOXO.
A Gay bomb sounds amazing! I always loved the Greek army.

chamblee54 said...

Know thy enemy

Vampire Librarian said...

This would be in conjunction with their top secret elite PINC squad -the Paratrooping Infiltration Negotiation Commandos. Their motto, "Don't ask, don't tell my ass."

DanProject76 said...

I think we could have done with that gay bomb for those nasty wonky-faced BNP folk this week. They need to feel the love and fabulousness rather than the scapegoatyness and general racism-related activities.

And Tom Cruise is gay? I have never heard such bare-faced lies! He made a little baybee with that girl from Dawson's Creek and hasn't shut the fuck up about it ever since so he can't be a shirt-lifter!

ziggystardust73 said...

*gasp* - more lies about Tom Cruise. Please, please, please.

Stop dirtying his name. He's doing a good enough job of that himself.

Da Nator said...

Gay bombs for everyone! Stop the fundamentalist madness! Stop the population explosion! Oh, wait, all the gays are finding Christ and having children, now... crap.

M- Filer said...

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Dean aka m-filer

Anonymous said...

You've got to wonder how much time they spent testing the chemical that makes a bunch of hot squaddies start shagging each other like there's no tomorrow.

You've also got to wonder ... where can I get my hands on some of that chemical?

Owen Blacker said...

It set you back a whole £22.40 ? You really need more practice, dear. With the right combination of wifebeater and charm (and maybe a spliff), you can get it down to under a tenner ;o)

Owen Blacker said...

And yeah, I'm loving the Cher hologram idea :P