Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

The Best A Man Can Get?

Sex sells. Particularly razor blades, it seems.

You have to admire Gillette - haven't they been peddling the same old advert for centuries now. Here's that well-trod template in full!

Show a technological breakthough so spectacular that you will dearly wonder how you have been scratching a life out of the earth like a Neanderthal for the last however many years of your life. What on earth is that you have been shaving with? A mammoth bone? Good lord man, what you need is... this!

Present the latest dream-product, in close up, zooming detail, possibly using a bit of computer imagery to show you that it's SO NEW its barely off the production line. It says we love you that much, take it! Take our prototype! Take those handsome scientists that are nodding smugly at a job well done who are probably going to go home and have wonderful sex with their wives now their minds are clear of furthering mankind with a blade that can now shave closer than before.

Meanwhile we, the bedazzled audience, positively licking the screen in ecstasy at a leap forward on par with that to halt global warming, are treated to more computer graphics of how these five blades will lift, separate, and tease your hair. Oh! And don't forget that shot of your just shaved, chiseled chin being stroked by some honey-haired lass, as she admires the smoothness, comparing it to that of Teflon and how it won't rake across her love pillows during a good stumphing later on. Now you have shaved you can go and raise a family! Bike ride! Sail! Yes, the very encombant nature of your beard stopped you doing this - why the wind-drag of your whiskers alone would have previously sunk the catamaran you're now manfully handling!

End with a lilting tag, sung by a gravelly-voiced man, implying that you would be a FOOL to even contemplate using anything else near your skin, for every other razor is a rusty old cutthroat that'll give you hepatitis-C if you're even in the same room as it.


Of course, this sort of thing is completely wasted on the Gentlemen Who Record The Oscars. Our interest is piqued by the odd shot of the topless meat before it's shaved, styled and foisted outside to go on what looks like a terrible adventuring holiday in Centre Parcs. But why on earth would we want a product that saddled you with some dire-looking harridan after your love porridge everytime you went near a razor?

I'd rather not. I've grown a beard, thank you.

The thing is, they're now so wrapped up in their own mythology that they've started creating adverts that nigh on parody their own idiotic stylings. The latest one, for Gillette Fusion, has a delightful looking FEMALE scientist. I know! How forward thinking! She too has honey-coloured hair, although she wears it up as per all TV scientists, and a lab coat. And she strides purposefully into a darkened room, right before laying a high-security briefcase on a pedestal before a topless, hunky man.

She opens it up, revealing shaving foam. "It's ready" she says.

I'm not joking. Firstly: who carries shaving foam around in a specially-designed briefcase? Secondly, who hangs around in a darkened hanger while topless, waiting for a clearly-not-a-scientist to come in and present them with shaving foam? I mean, really. Just because she's got glasses on doesn't disguise that she really looks like she gets her money rithing around astride a greasy pole, pillow-fighting with breast-augmented wenches over a pit of jello.

Meanwhile, he's looking at her, smiling in the manner of 'You have done well.'

She smiles knowingly in return. With a look over her scientist glasses that says 'My, now you're cleanshaven, you're going to be poking my scientific womb with that splendid pump-action custard-chucker of yours any second now!'

Honestly. It makes no sense. The whole premise is so detached from reality, its like Paris Hilton is responsible for the ad campaign.

But you think we men have it bad, have we seen the advert for the lady version? 'Look!' says Gillette Venus. 'It's pink, it's waterproof and it vibrates! Oh yes. Bet you're thinking what we're thinking too!'

Good god. Give us strength.


tiny robot said...

'My, now you're cleanshaven, you're going to be poking my scientific womb with that splendid pump-action custard-chucker of yours any second now!'

Bah! Thanks for the laugh. And for the record, I love a fabulous man with a beard.

bob said...

Is that plain jello or the kind with shredded carrots in it?

*J* said...

Wait... didn't Beckham stroke his own chin?

Mammabird said...

Clean-shaven's over-rated.

I mean, Matthew Fox without the "stranded on an island" Dr Jack stubble? It's just not the same....


Anonymous said...

Of course, there are some of us that dream of a six bladed razor. I think we may have to develop a new kind of physics first though.

CyberPete said...

I have to say, I've got one of those promo cards from when Becks was the face of Gilette - YUM!

Da Nator said...

I'm going to use the term "custard-chucker" at every given opportunity from now on... and some ungiven.

Anonymous said...

I recently saw an ad for a razor that claimed it was something like "15 times better than the leading brand."

Umm, if the product's so good, why isn't it the leading brand then?

Perry Neeham said...

*Enter wearing a white lab coat, peering over professorial half moon specs and pouting* "Only twats use Gillete foam, spunky guys use King of Shaves Gel - it's the Badgers Nadgers."

p.s. I just have to steal the pump-action custard-chucker comment.

coolbuddha said...

On a slightly related but more mundane point: given the number of times washing powder has been "new and improved" since the 1950's, how come Persil still can't shift the curry stain from my shirt? Eh?

epicurist said...

Those adverts make me sooo hot, that I simply can't resist purchasing.

ooooo...did you say Venus vibrates?

Dinah said...

I LOVE things that are pink, waterproof, and prone to vibrating.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Now, where exactly is this darkened warehouse complete with unshaven (if that bitch scientisit hasn't got there first) half naked man?

Tickersoid said...

Becky has a point. What is the new evolutionalry scientific advancement?

Oh they've added yet another blade.