Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Secretly, I've always wanted an exotic limp.

You know, exotic as in 'hmm, that gentleman across the room - he seems windswept and interesting. I shall hand him my dance card at once!' rather than 'sounds like a macaw'. I love limps on actors - its a ham's first vestige of making a character stand out in an ensemble cast, followed by an accent, a moustache, then a wig. "Oh," they'll say in dress rehearsal. "I really see this character with a colostomy bag...'

Note for actors. You can only do this if you're thinking of doing the Shirley Bassey mini-series. I'd, uh, imagine.

So, limps. Of course they are interesting until you actually have one - rather like an eyepatch, or 'The House of Elliot' on DVD. So I now have a limp thanks to a rather embarrassing incident a few days back when I drunk one tequila cocktail too many, thought I was She-Ra, Princess of Power, and leapt off a wall to save Cowl, twisting my ankle. It now feels that the bone is made of breadsticks - so I'm having a unique insight into being elderly. Or Madonna.

Oh! Just thought! It was very much a case of 'one tequila, two tequila, three tequila - floor'!

I shall chalk this up to another one of Gay Sustained Injuries, of which there are many in my life. If I were to ever get an eyepatch, I'd wager it would be after the time I give in to one of those 'extend your lashes!' adverts that mesmerise me. Who wouldn't want to get long, Maybelene lashes when they show how long they could be?! Look at them! They're brilliant! You'd have to tip your head back just to open your eyes! Although if I did that, I'd probably hit my head on a shelf behind containing sixteen copies of 'Now Voyager' and have to be taken in with concussion.

So I'm limping. Half my friends are going 'Good lord, what did you do?' while the rest are looking at me with a snide grin asking 'Good night, was it?' No sympathy! None whatsoever. In fact the only advice I've had from my so-called friends is to elevate my legs. Before adding 'You'll have no trouble doing that, now will you?!'

Bunch of gits. I'm expecting no such behaviour off you lot.

Looks daggers at the comments box


Tim said...

For some reason I read the title as 'chimp,' then spent a couple of seconds wondering why you wanted an exotic chimp until I re-read it.


But on the other hand, who WOULDN'T want an exotic chimp?

CyberPete said...

You know, those eyelash extending adverts are a hoax. Not that I know from personal experience of course...

..not at all

Vivi said...

Aw, bless your heart.

Southern sympathy to the rescue! ;)

Scott said...

[meekly offers 'get well soon' wishes]

AndyT13 said...

Lee "Gimpy McGimperson" to the rescue! You
Perhaps that's not right.
Hmm. The first rule of holes is when you spot one... no that's not right either. Uh...Time wounds all heels?
*slinks away sheepishly

Eddie Knittster said...

I'd like to see you limping or chimping around London, especially with one of those terribly cheap moustaches that seem to be making an appearance around town right now.

Have you seen them, she ra?

Anonymous said...

Oh poor you - go and find someone lovely to rub linament on it for you! - the ankle!, linament stings like a bastard anywhere else.

Clint said...

SO, a limp ankle to go with your limp wrist then dear? ;)

Anonymous said...

She-Ra Psychosis can be a very dangerous condition. I'd recommend switching to vodka.