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Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I was on the tube the other day wondering why on earth my nipples were so delightfully tender.

I was also wondering why they were saying that the Jubilee Line had 'good service' , when clearly a 10 minute wait and pressed into the fragrant armpit of some dockyard matlow is no way near 'good'. I take good service to mean a decent sommelier and a discrete matre 'd who turns a blind eye to the third different gentleman caller you've brought in here this week.

But back to my nipples. They hadn't been this tender since I accidentally took my mother's HRT for a week thinking they were Neurofen. Didn't clear up my headache, but I could spot kicky little handbags at fifty paces and was a whizz at bingo.

You see, mine have never worked. They're rather like an unwired doorbell, actually; all too often I'd find a double glazing salesman, or on one instance a Jehovah's Witness, pushing away at it with no result. In my worldly experience, it's always the second place gentlemen head to when you're getting over-friendly. For gentlemen who do have sensitive nipples tend to rip open your shirt and nosh away like they were Geri Halliwell and your tits contained talent. And because mine never did anything for me, I thought that everyone else's was the same, so I'd just skip over them and go straight for the 'main course' as it where.

Or, in one or two cases - the cheese course. Until I made them wash it.

I'm curious - but not envious - about the whole thing. I do want to know what the fuss is about. Like Coke Tab. Or Penelope Cruz. And I bet I'll be left similarly disappointed. Is it a direct relation to size? I mean on a cold day, one of my friends had nipples like someone had wallpapered over two light switches, and you can nigh-on make him spaff his undercrackers with a well-timed flick. Would I want a button on me that did that? On me?

I'd much rather have a button that caused me to ooze Nivea Q-10 from my pores last thing at night. I hate having to slather my face as it is; I always put too much on, and look like I've just accidentally wandered into a bukkaki car-wash.

Er. Not that I'd know what that looked like at all. Grin.


Owen Blacker said...

On several levels, I know xacly what you mean (though not about the bukkake carwash bit; I'll leave that to your deranged gutter of an imagination ;o)

Jubilee line, definitely. Who on earth thought six-minute gaps in service at rush hour was sensible?

But about nipples, I never saw what the whole fuss was about. Until some chav boy (the one on the left) decided he was gonna try and rip the fuckers off and I, erm, spaffed my undercrackers, as it were.

They can be a lot of fun, once you find the right person to show you how. ;o)

PS: Nivea Q-10 ? I just thought you were naturally gorgeous :P

mike said...

I suffer from the opposite affliction: over-sensitive norgs. There's no, um, titillation involved in their stimulation - just intense physical pain. Which, of course, sends out the misleading message to my Gentleman Callers that they have stumbled across my G-spot, causing them to chow down even harder. Now look, boys: "No! No!" really DOES sometimes mean "No! No!"

Another friend of mine, with the same condition as your own, ended up having them pierced, in a last ditch attempt at summoning up some stimulation. I believe that this worked rather well. So there's you answer: hie thee to a piercery!

Owen Blacker said...

(Hmm, not his best shot. If you really wanna see said chavboy, try one of these)

tornwordo said...

Aggh. The cheese course. I think mine are broken too. Whenever I've had someone insist on playing with them, I felt homesick. Even if I were at home. Yes, definitely broken.

CyberPete said...

I was surprised when mine started working. They used to do absolutely nothing and then one day BOOM!


Adrian said...

I have three.

I'm very proud of the third one, although it's rather small, ineffective and does nothing.

Ollie said...

One of mine fell off and grew back permanently erect and sensitive. I just have to hope the boys pick the right one.
Incidentally this is a perfect example of why home piercing is inadvisable.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

The feeling in mine seems to come and go, as if who ever was last fiddling with them 'turned' them to the 'off' position. Then, the next 'caller' will fiddle them back to the 'on' position. Most vexing. And delightful!

They're called Norks up here in Norfolk, btw :)

Tickersoid said...

I'm so glad mine work.

Best image of the day to my mind, is that of a bukkaki car wash.

You are a treasure.

Snooze said...

I'm still laughing over the cheese course sentence.

MommyHeadache said...

I never met a man who didn't get off on having his nipples fiddled with. Since yours clearly have faulthy wiring, I'm willing to bet you have extra sensitivities somewhere else. Maybe you can climax if someone sucks your toes or plays with your eyelids, you lucky sod?

Lee said...

I get off when people play with my Girls Aloud dolls.


Concrete said...

You write that he had nipples... What happened to them?

Yours worriedly...