Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Disco in the Serengeti

While lying in bed last night, dear Ryan informed me that the collective noun for zebras was 'a dazzle'. I like it when he tells me things. Like I'm not to worry, the don't actually take the celebs off and shoot them like lame horses when they lose on 'Strictly Come Dancing' and that I must have been taking my zinc tablets because three times a week is good for a man my age. Oh my, he's the smart one in the relationship.

But yes. A 'dazzle of zebras', apparently.

I hope they do jazz-hooves when they say it.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Most Disappointing... Sex!

Looks at teleprompter

What's this last category? 'Most Disappointing Sex of 2008'? That's a bit cheeky, isn't it? Oh well, if it gets you all out of here so we can get the char in to hoover up the Twiglets, so be it.

Funny old year, 2008. There was a lot of the old slap-and-tickle thanks to being out of a relationship (although cough that didn't stop me at the time. Oh those wacky gays! We'll stick it in a hornet's nest if it went to the gym three times a week) and also working from home a lot. Well, there wasn't much else doing as soon as you realise you're bored of daytime television and you've completed Lego Star Wars on the Wii. Well, you may as well get a gentleman caller in to pass the time. It's either that or descale the kettle, isn't it?

Anyway, I've had some pretty dire hanky-panky over the years. The one who used to say "Play with me, daddy!" in a child's voice whenever he'd drop his trousers. The one who'd just keep repeating "Oh, you're so clean, so so clean!" while he's working up to his happy place. Oh, and I almost forgot that last year had the guy with such a small penis that it was completely dwarfed by the piercing he'd had put in! Honestly, it'd take a lot more than that to draw attention to it. Two spotlights and Peter Snow huffing at it with elongated baton would have just about worked, but this guy was intent on being the one on top too. Poor lamb. I thought I'd let him have a go for my own curiosity and amusement. Turns out you can get to '99 Bottles of Bottles of Beer On The Wall' while someone's going at you with polite intent. Well, I say 'beer' - about halfway through I'd switched to counting in Baccardi Breezers because I wanted to feel a little cheap. Well, you've got to get your kicks somehow.

So. This year topped the lot with some Spanish lad who lived around the corner that I'd found on that cheerful introductory website for Gentlemen Who Can't Catch. The Orange Facebook, if you will. I used to enjoy the local area because a) I was lazy and b) it's a lot less inconvenient to squelch home two streets when your nethermouth is gummed up with KY. Doing that on the Tube can often bring a whole new meaning to 'tacky', if you unfortunately catch my drift.

Anyway, this Spanish guy. He was one of these guys who thinks he's a lot more attractive than he actually is. Well, lets be generous: he probably was at one point, but time is a harsh mistress. And so is cake, it seems. So when he took his top off, out sprung this pot belly that had been missing on the introductory pictures. And while I was untying my shoes, he proceeded to wave his member in my face like he expected me to pounce on it like Britney on a bag of Cheez-Its. I'm sorry, but no. I do like a bit of romance first - or, being British - the offer of a cup of tea at least. So I ignored his member for a moment and carried on untying my shoes, to which he tuts and installs himself on the bed, taking matters into his own hands as it where. 'Well,' I thought. 'I've come all this way (all of 200 feet) I may as well go and have a go'. But he's too busy on his own now. So I do the same for a bit - until his phone rings. Ah, that dampener of the most desperate ardor! The comedy ring-tone! But - get this - he answers the bloody phone! Starts chuntering away in his native tongue - a tongue which, I would like to point out, had been nowhere near me in the whole visit.

Well, what did I do? I may not have any dignity, my darlings, but I do have some standards. Ha! Actually, that's a lie. But what I did do is grab my coat and go. Well, there wasn't any point in being there, really. He was clearly in a world of his own, and I... well, I clearly had a kettle to descale.

And there we have it, ladies and gentlemen. Hope you've enjoyed the review of the year. Hopefully we can meet back here this time next year and celebrate America's newfound freedom, and that Katy Perry was hit by a bus and will never sing again.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Most Disappointing... Celebrity!

And the winner for Most Disappointing Celebrity is...

Tears envelope

...Jennifer Aniston!

Ooh, now I remember there was some consternation about this result when we did the judging, because is it disappointing if she has acted completely within her programming for the past ten years? I mean she's still banging on about being Brad Pitt's cock-wash back when she was relevant to swathes of thirty-something women living on Sainsbury's Own wine boxes.

And yet, here she is once again, promoting her new film, and guess what! She's only going on how 'uncool' the whole affair was. Honey, I've had two relationships in the time you've been wearing that black armband made out of Pitt's tie from 'Se7en', and I'm so completely over them. Lets move on a little here, shall we? Hm? You want to call me, Jenny girl? I tell you, I get more attached to my Muller Fruit Corners than most of my gentlemen callers - you want some tips, hm? You want to let go? Honestly, drop me a line. Because as it stands, I can see your pain in every interview. I mean, every article, she tries to be coy about it - and yet still brings it up. You can so read between the lines. Oh you can. Each night she's going back to her bedsit at night and licks and licks the worn cover of Pitt's 'Vanity Fair' while she makes that be-pinned Tomb Raider figure watch her antics. Then she microwaves some Lean Cuisine before going on SecondLife as her avatar 'JolieHater84' to go stand in cyberspace bars and just shout how much she hated 'Girl, Interrupted' and anyone who agrees should PM her.

And because she's still doing that is why she wins our mighty trophy. NEXT!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Most Disappointing... Record!

rattles envelope

Well, I can hear the desperation clattering about in this here envelope, so clearly it's time for the Most Disappointing Record of 2008! Which pop icons caused us to roll our eyes every time they come around on The Box? Was it Madonna, who had clawed it all back with her last album, only to piss it all up the wall with her ill-thought-out rap releases (and if anyone is under any doubt, Madonna probably does piss up walls while standing up simply by grabbing the beard and pointing). Yes, was it the album that actually decreases in interest with each play, and a cover that hurt the eyes for innumerable reasons? Or what about Girls Aloud, and their asinine crowd-pleaser of an album, chock full of middle-of-the-road pop?

No! We're awarding the Most Disappointing Record to this shambles: 'The Winner Takes It All', a duet by Kylie and Dannii Minogue!

Well, come on. If you'd have told us half-a-decade ago that Kylie Minogue, then riding high on her not being able to get you out of her head, would be covering an ABBA track with her perpetual has-been of a sister, with the full backing of the London Symphony Orchestra. Why, we would have exploded in a pure cloud of glitter, that's what! But listen if you can bear to. What could have been the crowning pinnacle of gay culture, basically sounds like two wasps in a biscuit tin. What a waste!

As a sidebar, we were hoping to present this award to someone in Dannii Minogue's staff, but clearly the woman herself is so pushed for something to do that she's outside right now, clamoring to get on stage. Don't you worry, the doors are bolted, so we'll crack on with the next category before she crowbars the cat flap and storms the stage. NEXT AWARD!

Friday, January 09, 2009

The Most Disappointing... Film!

Straightens bow tie, taps microphone.

Ooh, 'ello! And welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2007 Awards for the Disappointing! Here, we're going to celebrate all that caused a sigh, a tut or was just plain 'meh' over the last year! There will be no trophies, but if you want to make one yourself, Google a picture of Paris Hilton (make sure your Safe Search is on, boys and girls - you don't want to be looking at anything that resembles Kermit's mouth after he's been mixing Coke with Mentos, do we?) and glue it to a toilet roll. And there we have it.

The first category is the Indiana Jones In A Fridge Award for the year's most disappointing movie! There were a glut of contenders, and you all think that I'm going to award it to the 'The Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls' don't you? Well, you were almost right... Said film was terribly disappointing - if only to see Harrison Ford wheezing back and forth across the screen. If you go and watch any of the previous three Indianas, you'll see that La Ford was One Of The Most Beautiful Men Ever. Its not that he's aged badly... but in these films he now looks like the contents seconds box in the Gap linens section. You know: that special shade of brown and that special kind of crumpled, with some very special kinds of stains on them. I'd blame his wife, the darling Cluster Fucktart, if I were you.

Shall I open the envelope, folks?

Rustle, rustle, rustle

Well! The winner of the most Disappointing Film category is... oh, it's a late entry, ladies and gentlemen... it's 'The Day The Earth Stood Still'! Oh poor old Kanoe, he hasn't made a good film in years, has he? But it wasn't his monochromatic performance that swung the judge's votes, it was dear old Gort - the robot in the movie. He's a giant 27-foot tall monster of a thing who, when he appears, everyone in the audience must be thinking 'Oh wow! That is going to look so cool when it goes bad and starts smashing up buildings at the end of the film!'

Alas, Gort does not go smashing. He doesn't even rampage. He is the only thing in the film that Stands Still. The army encase him in a giant metal Toberlone until the finale when he turns into a swarm of robot flies and eats stadiums, in a move seemingly designed to stop Michael Crichton's 'Prey' ever reaching the screen.

How terribly disappointing! We would email Kanoe to notify him of his award, but he stopped any contact after I tried to kidnap him on a bus a few years back. Pfft. And all my friends agreed that the Sandra Bullock wig was flawless...

Next category, please..!